Have you ever been at the bar watching a game, hanging with the guys, and enjoying yourself when in the background you can’t help but hear THIS conversation:
Bartender: What’s it gonna be
Guy: You got any specials?
Bartender: [Insert various specials babbling]
Guy: Let me just get a sex on the beach…
[Insert record scratch]
You turn around and give this guy the look that lets him know his man card is officially revoked. I know I know… This is 2013 right? Times have changed, society is more accepting of all sorts of things, but I’m sorry, that doesn’t make THIS ok. We’ve accepted the fact that there are movies out there known as “chick flicks” and that no man should be caught watching them alone/with guy friends, so why can’t we establish the same theory to chick drinks or girly drinks. Call me old-fashioned, call me shallow, but regardless of how your taste buds react to some combinations of liquids, sometimes you have to know when to hold them and when to fold them. Now I’ll be honest, there are always exceptions to the rule, and certain situations you just have prepare for. Are you out by yourself? Out with the guys? On a first date? Out with your wife? Maybe you’re on vacation where an umbrella in your drink and fruit in your beer is completely normal. All I’m saying is READ THE SIGNS. If you’re with the guys, there is no excuse…don’t order ANY of these for yourself, or any similar drinks. If you’re with your wife and you really like girly drinks, go ahead and let her order it. After all she probably knows you well enough not to judge. If it’s your first date and you order a girly drink in front of her, there most likely won’t be a second. Am I wrong ladies? Then there are those situations where you’re not ordering it for yourself, but in fact for your wife/date. In this case it’s completely fine, although depending on the surrounding you may need to prefix that drink order with “and she’s having the”. I don’t make the rules people, I just choose to enforce them. So without further ado, here are the top 10 Drinks a Man should NEVER order:
10. Alcoholic Sodas: Mikes Lemonade/ Bacardi Silver/ Smirnoff Ice etc
- I use to think these were pretty cool until I found out what alcohol is supposed to taste like. Now they’re nothing more than hard sodas for your girl to drink at the beach, or to get a quick buzz before she goes out. Never been a fan of pre-made drinks, and these just don’t taste very good (to me.). Tons of sugar, lots of carbonation, do yourself a favor and order a real drink.
9. Red Headed Slut [Shot]
- Say this one in your head before you think about ordering it. This one screams single girl, out with her friends, prepared to have a one night stand. If you see this one on the menu, or hear rumblings about how “good” it is, do yourself a favor and stay away.
8. Pina Colada:
- I’ll bet you are wondering if there are exceptions to this one? It’s pretty synonymous with tropical islands, paradise, and vacations so it may fall into the category of those situational drinks, but be prepared to explain yourself to the fellas when those pictures pop up on Facebook.
7. Strawberry Daiquiri:
- Years ago, the daiquiri was a serious mixed drink made famous by Ernest Hemmingway. Simple, tasty, and sophisticated. Perfectly normal for anyone to order. Now, try ordering one and your bartender throws a glass of frozen ice and artificial flavor in just about any flavor you can think up. I’ll pass, you should too.
- You know who orders Cosmos? Your wife when she goes out with her girls to gossip about you and your friends.
- Let this be clear, ordering a Martini is manly. James Bond helped make that happen. Ordering a flavored Martini, is you admitting you’re not man enough to have the original, and thus need to water it down with some fruity flavor. Way to go…
4. Lemon Drop
- It can be a shooter or it can be a martini… In either form, ordering one of this is likely to make your girl dump you, or your bros ditch you. Don’t be that guy. If you’re a fan of lemon flavor, take a clean shot of vodka and then bite on a lemon wedge. Same satisfaction, no loss of masculinity.
3. Amaretto Sour
- Amaretto Sours are for female college freshman. It’s popularity is in the fact that girls can get a buzz from it without realizing it and thus, enjoy their drinking experience. It’s soft, and sweet, and delicate. Do you think you as a man should be drinking something that is described that way? I didn’t think so. Move on.
2. Fuzzy Navel
- Peach schnapps, is something you got drunk on in high school when your parents thought you were at your buddies house and his parents thought he was at yours. Low on alcohol content, high on sugar, and even higher on femininity.
1. Sex on the Beach
- And then there was #1. Do we even need to get into with this one is a no-no? Don’t be fooled by the name. If you order one of these, you’ll most likely never have sex with ANY of the women in the room on the beach, in your bed, or any other location for that matter.
Oh and here’s another rule of thumb. If you can’t pronounce the drink, either A) don’t order it, or B) ask the bartender to pronounce it so you don’t butcher it and end up looking like a fool to either your friends, your date, or the bartender.
Hopefully no one takes this list TOO seriously. It’s meant to have some fun, spark a conversation and get a few laughs. So if you find yourself at the bar, and feel overly self conscious around your boys or your date, follow these rules to help you make it through the night.